Revert

“Jesus Christ Doesn’t Sound Like A Jewish Name [April 27, 1999]

I went to Venice, which drove me mad with its beauty and made me want to be in love, which is always very depressing. The human heart is terribly flawed. We yearn for love and then when we do love we invariably pick someone who won’t love us back. I think what we must yearn for then is the depression that precedes love. It’s much more popular. So many more people tell me they’re depressed than tell me they’re in love.”
Jonathan Ames

Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I want to go back to school and learn things. Things that aren’t prerequisites to a degree; things that aren’t needed for a grade; I just want to go back and learn. Some things on my list are foreign languages (Japanese and French), photography, the violin, art history. What am I ever going to use these things for? I have no idea. But it’s something to do to keep me busy with myself. I have goals – I doubt they’re ever going to come into realization, but I’ll work towards them anyway. Maybe my future knowledge of the violin or Japanese will help along the way. A friend of mine was just offered an advertisement deal with a crazy budget and I envy him. His dreams are coming true… When will mine?

Sunday, December 21, 2006
I deserve better things. I know that. I don’t want half-ass intentions, I don’t want half-ass love. I’m better than that – everyone is. I don’t need anymore indecision in my life, there’s already enough of that. It’s a romantic ideal, thinking there might be someone out there who is as nerdy as I hope he is. Who is a devout reader of writers like Chbosky and Moore. Who can claim (embarrased, of course) that he knows the lyrics to Singin’ in the Rain. I like clumsy, I like awkward. I like long conversations punctuated by silly silence and nervous giggles. I like holding hands, but not too much and definitely not forced. I like two or three phone calls a week, and random texts everyday about the weather and driving and work and embarrassing moments. An engineer is nice, a medical degree is better An apartment with colored walls, dark drapes, and an expansive movie collection that ranges from Sabrina to Spiderman, Requiem to Tennenbaums, 2046 to Amelie, and everything in between. A love of sushi is definitely a must, light drinking during a rough Monday or Tuesday, and an ability to know dance moves like the lawnmower and the sprinkler. The charlie brown is an added bonus. I need someone who likes revealing secrets slowly, letting me find out bits and pieces of his mind a little at a time. I’d like someone who has a hard time telling me I’m beautiful because compliments are as awkward for him as they are for me. He’ll buy me a rose, a cactus, and maybe even a dog. His love of taking pictures rivals mine, and would not mind the silly poses that are always in a set of group pictures. He would love my family. He would read comics with my brother, watch movies with my sister, and be polite and funny to my parents. He would want to meet my cousins and play a game of Cranium or join in a birthday party surprise. And he would take care of me. Romantic ideals are nothing when it is certain that both people care for each other as much as they should. Nothing is half-assed. Everything else can be thrown away for proof of true love. And that’s all I ask for. But I figure even that’s too ideal.

Sunday, November 12, 2006
There are so many lines that have been drawn in my life right now, I feel like if I take a step anywhere, I will be crossing something I shouldn’t even have gone near in the first place. I’ve always argued for living in the moment and seizing whatever opportunity is in front of your face, but I’m going to admit there are certain times when grabbing hold of that opportunity might impact something in your life later on, and you might not necessarily like where it took you. And when there are multiple things in front of you, all leading to different paths in your life, how do you know which one to grab onto? I only have two hands, and I need both in order to grab onto something and not let go. So what do I pick? The safe choice? The fun choice? The best-for-the-future choice? The right-now choice? I want to enjoy what’s in front of me, but I also want to know that I’m not picking things randomly or for the hell of it.

January 25, 2009
Am I the same person who wrote these things years ago? I must be. I’m still idealistic and romantic and I still hope for the unattainable. A little bit more mature in some areas, still immature in others. I’ve let go of many things, forgave and forgotten others. But all the problems I dealt with back in 2006 are exactly the same problems I’m going through now. Maybe with different people, maybe with different situations, but the underlying summation of it all is that I remain stagnant here. No growth. No undiscovered potential unearthed. What am I doing here? Who am I? I’ll be 24 in a month. 25 in a year. It’s definitely a quarter-life crisis. We’ll see how things go.

Oh, nine.

As we start off 2009, I’d just like to say, DAMN. 2008 ended wonderfully. Every loose end knotted itself into place, leaving me with a clean start to the new year. Two relationships gone awry were resolved (leaving me in a hopeful state of mind), an unanswered query was confirmed, and 12 days straight of working turned into a Saturday off. And you KNOW I will damn well use that day off. Plus — the new year started off with a beautifully freezing sunrise with the people I love, and a good three hour meal that left me hungry for more (literally… that bagel wasn’t enough). So goodbye 2008 — it’s been great. Hello, 2009, I’m ready for you.

How everyone should start off the new year...

 

The ladies of the family

 

Love it!

 

FamBAM!

 

@ Sweetassssnesss

 

Masochism in action

Candid

1. I love knowing that some friends will always be there, no matter what. Weeks, months, years can go by without their presence in your life, but when you two meet up for brunch or breakfast or dinner or drinks, it’ll be like you just saw them yesterday. No one makes anyone else feel guilty about anything, they’re just there, and they will always be there when you need it, no questions asked.
2. Sometimes, all you really need is wine, good company, and lots and lots of chocolate.
3. I hate it when guys say, “I’m Different.” Cause they’re not. They’re almost all the same. I want to hear a guy say, “I’m just like any other guy, but here’s why you should still be with me.” On the other side of the spectrum, I hate it when sweet talkers say I’m different. Cause I’m not. I’m just like any other girl. I don’t put you on a pedestal, you shouldn’t put me on one either.
4. I wasn’t prepared for this Christmas. I kind of ran away from my obligations for a while because I was trying to deal with some things, and then suddenly, I was back at work, only having enough time to eat and sleep everyday, that I didn’t have time to get any presents or make myself feel any kind of Christmas cheer. December’s always been a tough month for me.
5. I wish sex meant something more to me than just sex. It’s never meant love or affirmed a relationship for what it is. It’s always just been the act of a penis in a vagina several times. That doesn’t mean I whore myself out. It’s never been about love, but it’s also never been about pleasure for me. Fireworks never went off. The fuse just kind of, stopped. Sad, huh? 
6. I like Dunkin Donuts better than Krispy Kreme. 
7. I didn’t realize how much pride I had til it got kicked to the curb. For all my claims of independence and she-woman-ness, I am a very proud female. And what sucks is it only took two weeks for it to come crashing down. For the wall to fall apart and for me to revert back to a sense of frailty. I gotta work harder to build a tougher wall next time.
8. I hate hate hate it when people say things won’t change. I hate it even more when people promise me nothing is going to change between us. That’s a lie. Change is inevitable. What you have to do is prove to people that you’ll work when change comes. Don’t promise me you’ll be here forever (whether we’re just friends or something more). I’ve learned people leave. But while you’re here, make our time together worth it.
9. I have offered many people the chance to visit me at work. It has surprised me to see who has taken me up on that offer.
10. Some people don’t understand that, just because I am frustrated with the male sex, doesn’t mean I hold girls up on a higher standard. Girls suck just as much as guys do. Some girls are crazy, some are out to break your heart, and for all you fools who continuously go to the same kind of girl to see if she’ll be different than the next, good luck. That goes for the same with girls who continuously go for a certain type of male hoping “this one will be different” (including me). Stay away from sweet talkers and heart breakers. They’ve done these things one too many times and they know how to get you.
11. I’ve never had anyone to kiss when the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. I’ve always been with family, and the first person I probably turned to was my mom or dad. I’ve also never kissed anyone under the mistletoe. I wonder if/when that will change.
12. I’ve stopped trying to explain my schedule to people I’ve explained it to many times before. Either you get it or you don’t. I work weird hours, I can’t socialize on weekends (all I do is sleep, eat, and work. Seriously), Sundays & Thursdays are kind of my days off, I go to sleep at 4am. Oddly, when I am off, I do like to go out. Because I know when I eventually leave the bubble of Virginia Beach, I won’t see anyone again for a long time.
13. If you’ve read the Twilight series, can you tell me when you started crying? I’ve been gushy and mushy and girly with all the other parts, and now I’m on book two and I can’t seem to find myself feeling anything. I’m as numb as she is. Oh, and Edward Cullen has ruined all other males for me.
14. Don’t keep me on a leash, even after we’ve ended whatever it is we had. I hate knowing that I am the type of person who will always be there for you, for every beck and call. But as much as I hate it, I am that person. And everyone who knows me knows that fact. I will be there for you no matter how much you dicked me over. But I hate it when people use that knowledge to their advantage. Please, don’t abuse that power over me.
15. My back’s been bruised for almost a month now. My doctor says all I need are 2 Aleves twice a day. I dunno… Sometimes it hurts to be in/get out of bed, stand, sit, walk, laugh, and drive. This probably isn’t a good thing.
16. I’ve learned to do everything for myself instead of for someone else. I used to think maybe the more I did for them, the more they’d want to stay. They never stayed. So now I’m finally learning to act selfishly and do what makes me happy first. You next. Maybe someone will come along and prove to me that’s not how life works. You know where to find me.

2008 revisited

When I wrote my 2008 Year-In-Review, I thought, what more could happen in the next 19 days? The year is almost over, I’ll be on vacation for a week, and then work for 10 days straight. I’ll be so immersed in enjoying DC and then working nonstop that I won’t have time for stress or worries or any end-of-the-year nonsense. Lies. I’ve just been kicked and tossed to the curb. It’s a fairly simple act, not much drama involved, and yet, ouch.

It’s not something any guy or girl enjoys admitting, but there it is. Bare and naked and out there like that Madonna photograph where she’s standing in the middle of the street, naked, trying to hail a taxi. That kind of naked. Naked and dumped. Right before the holidays. Right before all the mushy gushy Merry Christmas gift exchanges and Happy New Year First Kisses. Granted, it was partially my fault. I listened to those sweet nothings and thought maybe they were true. I let myself believe in them; let myself hope for truth behind those worn-out words. 

I am writing the first draft of today’s ramblings on the balcony of the apartment of the friend I’m visiting. It’s cold and windy and I have nothing on but my pajamas, a jacket and socks. I can see the white dots in the shape of a triangle through the slats of the blinds across from me. It’s the last day of my Northern Virginia Adventure, and I’ve loved every minute of it.

I had planned a December getaway months ago so I could visit my cousin in Spain. When the price of a plane ticket cost me as much as a semester at ODU, I ditched those plans. San Francisco was next, but there’s another dicked-over phase in my life I really shouldn’t revisit.  So when that didn’t work out, I decided Northern Virginia was my soluton. I had not seen Aimee or Raymond in months, and I didn’t want to miss out on anymore of Eleena’s growth, so I made up my mind. At first, it was to relax and get away from work. Then it evolved. Now I’ve been faced with thee task of nursing a bruised ego. Trying to repair what semblances of pride I once had.

All throughout the trip, I would distract myself from thinking about the situation back in Virginia Beach — what I had to eventually come home to and face. Amidst the scenic Potomac River view of the obelisk and dome from the subway train, the beautiful butterflies fluttering inches from my face, the 30-foot wide Master Control monitors from the Newseum, the 9-11 documentary that had me fighting back tears, the amazing paintings and statues that had my heart hurting and craving for creativity at the Art Museum, the faces that stared out at me at the Portrait Gallery, the art&trinket-filled sidewalks of DC, and the beauty and allure of Shirlington and Busboys & Poets — the thought of what I had to get over always lingered in the back of my head. 

There is something to be said about the power of sleep. You knock out, with every worry of the world and your life on your shoulders. When you wake up — nothing. Just the comfort and fresh-linen scent of fluffy pillows and, in today’s case, Rolfie’s saliva on my sweater. Normally, I make it my conscious decision to start worrying again when I should just let it go. Release. Today I sit here, wide awake at six in the morning, watching the sun slowly peek through the abysmal gray clouds, and I think to myself, It’s done. I’m over it. What’s the use of dwelling on this insignificant chapter of my life? The ego hurts, sure, but the heart is still intact. It was on my sleeve, but slightly covered and protected. I didn’t let this one snag a piece of it just yet, thank goodness. I saw him recently, and he approached to say hi, but I wouldn’t have it. I was rude, I’ll admit that, but I was done being humiliated; I wouldn’t have let it happen again. Another lesson learned, another name crossed off my list of potentials. 

While on the Metro yesterday, after a long and freeing walk around the National Mall, I saw a man do push-ups in the middle of the subway carriage. As soon as the doors closed and people cleared the aisle, he got down on his knees, placed his push-up bars on the ground, and began to exercise. As awkward and entertaining as it was for me watching it, I’m sure the people sitting by his bobbing head were even more perturbed. As soon as the train slowed down, he got up, shrugged and stretched his shoulders, and followed the flow of commuters out of the train and onto the platform. During those odd five minutes, I had my phone in my hand — capturing the strange turn of events unfolding in front of my eyes. And that’s when I realized — I didn’t have anyone to share it with. Raymond and I were sitting together watching this, but I wanted to be able to text someone and say, Hey, guess what I saw! Moments like this have to be captured and spread… but there was no one on my receiving end. And that’s all I want, really. Someone who would enjoy casual ridiculousness that occur in my life.

I go back to work on Monday, and I work straight for the next 10 days. I’m pulling a double on Christmas eve, and I get off work around 10:30 on New Year’s eve. I will be distracted enough to forget what’s been done to me, distracted enough to let the wounded ego heal itself. January 1st will be my official first day off, and I plan on enjoying it. Once again, I’d like to be there for the first sunrise of the New Year (maybe we’ll actually wake up to drive to the Oceanfront). I’ve got everything I need in life right here, right now. Everything else is just superfluous wanting. There are ten days left in 2008… Let’s hope this really is the end of my year in review.

Goodbyes

I think that is the theme for the outgoing year of 2008.

Hovering thought of the moment:
“There are some people who live 70 years, and there are some people who live one year 70 times, repeating what they’re doing over and over in the name of the gold watch or whatever.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

Last year, at the end of 2007, I wrote about everything I went through, everything I longed for, and everything I wanted to change. I still don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions because we should always be trying to better ourselves every day we’re alive. Just because it’s 2009 doesn’t mean you should automatically change your habits and your actions. It’s a gradual process, at least for me. When you know you don’t like a small part of who you’re turning into — why wait until January 1st to do anything about it? Anyway, at the end of 2007, I told myself, If I’m going to be reckless and thoughtless and haphazard, I will do so of my own free will. And I have.

This year, I got to see a very different side of me. This year, my heart was like some kind of party favor: anyone who ventured in to take a sneak peek at the celebrations got a little something to take home with them. It was on my sleeve, for whoever wanted a go at it. Many tried, and most got away with a bloody little piece. But, just like a party, it had to end at some point.

2008 was the year I learned to say goodbye.

I know I was haphazard with my emotions this year. I was on some kind of rush for feeling and passion, with an “I’m in it to win it” attitude that I didn’t see (refused to see?) the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. All the relationships I engaged myself with were inevitable to fail. Not because of me or him or a lack of chemistry… it was because the situation was already mapped out before we even met. Everyone was already on the road to their new life when I met them. Their bags were packed, their cars ready to go, and the only thing left to do was give the high-five of goodbyes (okay okay, the most anyone ever got was a goodbye kiss). While they moved on and made a new life for themselves, I stayed here, waiting for my turn to go. So, I had to learn to say goodbye — and deal with it. There were a few trivial ones, a few that left me frog-faced at the end of the day, and then, there was the big heartbreak.

I wrote this last year, as a precursor to what I had hoped 2008 would bring me:

One day – a day that a ticking clock or a flipping calendar can’t reach – I want to love utterly and completely and I want to be engulfed in a romance that might lead to another breakdown. Tomorrow, next month, next year, five years. I want another one. One that impacts me just as hard as last one, if not harder. You learn from it, you know? You will be able to get up from bed one day, mascara-streaked cheeks and puffy red eyes, and you say “Fuck it.” You say it with conviction and confidence and one day you just know you’ll be good again. Great, in fact.

And once again, you tell yourself you’ll take it one day at a time. You love one day at a time, you hate one day at a time. When it begins, it begins, and when it’s over, it’s done. You say goodbye and you move on and you make goals for yourself about how the next time is going to be better and lovelier and how you’ll be stronger and tougher and you’ll know how to fight it out when it ends.

Well, it happened. I became engulfed, engrossed, entrapped — go ahead, pick any “en” word you can think of. I was submerged in it. And it was the worst situation out of all the ones I had been in. It was beautiful from day one… it was also inevitable to fail from day one — we both knew it. But I jumped in, head first, not worried that it was only two feet deep; not worried that I would hit the bottom of the pool so hard I’d be left with a bump the size of Brooklyn. 

But you know what was the best part about it? When it finally ended, I woke up with mascara-streaked cheeks and puffy red eyes, and I said “Fuck it.” I said it with conviction and confidence and I knew I was going to be alright. I’m proud to be able to say — I said goodbye, I moved on; I’ve made goals for myself about how the next time will be even better and lovelier and how, if ever confronted with that situation again, I’ll know how to fight it out til the end.

 

All throughout this process of self-evolution, I like to see that there are some things that haven’t changed completely. I picked up a copy of Twilight last week to see what the hype was all about… and I loved it. I squealed and giggled and swooned and made ridiculous noises anytime Edward and Bella were even mentioned in the same sentence. I like to know that there’s still that side of me, the quintessential hopeless romantic pre-teen who still wants to be swept off her feet. The girl who dreams of romance and love and the possibility of soul mates. I still get pointless crushes; I still love to drive my car (Sam!) and go on road trips (even though I had to halt it for a bit after the accident); I still don’t know how to put make-up on (although hopefully with the help of some friends I’ll know what to do with all the stuff I splurged on from Ulta); I still love the holidays and the Christmas cheer (no matter how commercialized you think it’s gotten) and my favorite song is still Last Christmas; I still get tongue-tied and my stomach braids itself into knots whenever I hear Yumeji’s theme; I still can’t swim. 

So where does that leave me as 2009 begins? Well, I’ll continue on this path of self-discovery. I honestly have enjoyed everything I went through in 2008, no matter how ridiculous the situations had gotten. I’ll continue to explore the possibilities in front of me. Maybe I’ll date someone normal who doesn’t plan on leaving me just yet, who isn’t holding a ticking-time bomb at the end of the tunnel. I know some people are seeing me change and they might not necessarily like it. They’re used to the old me — the girl who wasn’t so vocal about everything, who kept her opinions to herself, who was still meek and unsure of what she wanted to become. But, if it’s any reassurance, she’s still there. Just a little more confident at times, a little more daring, a little more willing to raise the stakes and risk what’s on the table. Yeah, I might come out dead broke in the end, but I also might double up. And if anything, it’ll sure make for a helluva blog, right?

Happy New Year’s everyone. I hope your journey in the next 365 days (or whatever time-keeping agenda you use) is one of success and hopeful ventures. Good luck and God bless.

My two cents regarding November 4th

I don’t talk about politics for a reason. Although I’ve only been in the “news” business for seven months — I’ve been privy to the ugly side of politics ever since I started my job. I’ve seen families divided. Parents disowning children because of their political views. Friends torn apart because of differing opinions. I’ve heard the arguments, the complaints, the resentment and revenge; I’ve seen the violence, the extremists, the animosity and apathy. I’ve witnessed people left with nothing lose the only thing they’ve hung on to: hope. 

No matter how you voted on Tuesday, I don’t think you can deny the fact that you are living through history. A country struggling with race and identity over the past four hundred years has elected an African-American to lead it. I won’t be so naive as to think that because of his election to the presidency, whites and blacks (and sure, let’s include yellows, browns, reds, blues, and purples) will frolic through the streets of opportunity picking up little gold nuggets hidden in cobble-stoned corners while candy grows from trees. If anything, President-elect Barack Obama is going to have one of the most difficult administrations this country has ever seen while under intense scrutiny from all sides of the spectrum.

“Obama’s dramatic election does not wipe away the complicated economic mess our country faces. In many ways, voters expect too much of him and he has perhaps promised too much.

His election does not end the tortuous war in Iraq. But it does make us feel better knowing he plans to bring massive improvements at home and abroad. He leads by narrative, showing the American promise for what it is.”

- The Seattle Times

We are in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. In my opinion, it’s the depression amplified by millions, with the whole world now impacted by our country’s finances & debt. Our earth continues to bleed from the damage we’ve done to it. And thousands upon thousands of humans continue to die across the ocean — not only in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan, but in many parts of Africa and dozens of other countries suffering from the effects of war. I can only hope and pray that his knowledge, intelligence, willpower, and soul will be ready to work with those on the opposing aisle to turn our country around.

“…for there isn’t an American president since Eisenhower who hasn’t ended up, at some point or other, being depicted by the world’s cartoonists as a cowboy astride a phallic missile. It happened to Bill Clinton when he bombed Iraq; it will happen to Mr Obama when his reinforced forces in Afghanistan or Pakistan mistake a meeting of tribal elders for an unwise gathering of Taleban and al-Qaeda.” 

- An interesting article titled, Eventually, We Will All Hate Obama Too

I know that the failure of Senator John McCain (and others running for the presidency) is a big disappointment for those on his side. While many saw hope in Obama’s leadership — I know there were just as many who saw the same hope in a country led by McCain. There was hope that he would turn around everything that’s pushed us backwards over the last eight years. There was hope that he would be the one to unify a falling party, that he would be the one to turn the country into a phoenix ready to extinguish the flames it burned itself with and rise from the ashes. As I listened to his concession speech, I felt his disappointment, his sadness that he won’t get the chance to prove to Americans that the Republicans CAN do more than what President Bush has done over the last several years.  But we won’t find out the what-ifs of a McCain presidency. We have a different leader now — one that many Americans saw fit to make the same changes many other Americans saw McCain making. 

“The race problem in the United States is a negative legacy of the country’s history of slavery. One election can’t solve it.

But the significance of the fact that the racial barrier fell in this crucial election is immeasurable. In the future, it won’t seem remarkable to see a woman or a member of an ethnic minority running for the White House.”

- The Asahi Shimbun

I won’t pretend that everyone voted for Obama because they were well aware of his policies; because they knew his administration would result in benefits for them and their families. I know many voted for Obama because of his skin color (and yes, he’s only half black, but just as many people didn’t care about what was inside when they decided to segregate because of skin color, they still don’t care now — both whites and blacks. His skin is black = he is all black). In my personal opinion: yes, you should know the issues that you are supporting. Yes, you should know the policies that each person represents. There are only but so many excuses for ignorance and apathy. But I cannot blame anyone for voting for this man because they truly saw him as hope. 

“In a concession speech as mature as President-elect Obama’s was inspiring, Republican rival John McCain summed up, in his concession speech, what the world has come to admire about the United States of America over the past one year a land of equal opportunities where colour or creed or gender does not matter. 

The Times joins the rest of the world to express its admiration for this system.”

- The Ghanaian Times

Our country has used skin color as the basis for segregation, injustice, inequality, and discrimination for hundreds of years. In parts of the country — it’s probably the continuing unspoken word. And for the same reason that we shouldn’t segregate because of skin color, shouldn’t we also NOT vote for someone because of their skin color? Character, drive, intelligence on the inside — those are the things we should look for, not what melanin is present on the outside.

To many, yes, Obama had all those personal characteristics. But to many more — Obama and his skin color represents years of oppression and discrimination. And now he will be the next President of the United States. I can’t blame people for hoping that this truly means change. Because there’s hope that if the country could ever get over their fear of the differences — that we can also get over everything else that divides us; everything that continues to divide the human race, not just in America, but in countries still struggling with their identities.

“The world has been fascinated and profoundly moved by this election most of all because of what America is — a nation founded on universal aspirations, and thus a mirror to humanity. For two centuries that mirror has seemed irreparably cracked by the legacy of slavery and segregation, a pernicious and enduring racism that remains a factor in the blighted lives of so many of the poor blacks among whom Mr. Obama launched his political career. He is not the last role model they will ever need, but he is the most powerful proof his country has produced that it is ready to judge them by the content of their character, not the color of their skin.”

- The Times of London

I am an idealist. I write about hope and romanticism and possibilities and the ambition of the unknown. And that is why I wrote this. I continue to have hope for Obama and what he claims he will do. I hold hope not just for myself, but for my children and their future. To many, Barack Obama represents our country’s Declaration of Independence. He is the personification that all men ARE created equal, and that maybe one day, the world will accept that as its mantra. I’ve been reading editorials from newspapers from all over the world, and for once, we were seen as rising above everything that’s held us back. Countries applauded us for overcoming the past. This could all be fodder, of course: Obama may end up leading our country into a third world war, or to an even greater depression. Many say Obama’s words are empty and full of false claims. That he can’t undo years of harm, at least not in one, or even two, administrations. Socialist, communist, extremist — he’s been called it all. And to many, he has to earn their respect, admiration, and their hope. He’ll have to prove himself to the country and the world. But for now — I relish in the thought that America, for everything it claims to love, hate, support, deny, has just elected Barack Obama as it’s next president.

“There is no doubt many Americans – white, black and every other colour in between – are still unable to get over their racial prejudices, just as there are many such people elsewhere in the world. But on Tuesday, Nov 4, this unjustifiable intolerance was drowned out by a truth that should not only be self-evident in America, but also to the rest of us.

All men are created equal.”

- Raslan Sharif, The Star Online

Tagged!

I was tagged by Janelle, like, four months ago, and I finally managed to think of seven random ass facts about me. Here goes!

1. The bigger your front teeth are, the cuter I think you look. Men especially. I love fuct up front teeth. I mean, I’m not looking for corn trying to shank their way out of your mouth… But bigger-than-normal sized teeth are cute. And girls with button noses are adorable.

2. Nights are better when there’s a fan on. The sound of a rotating fan soothes me to sleep. Plus — cool air feels nice under thick comforters.

3. I’ve started about 15 different screenplays that I have yet to finish. I did write a play in college that was performed at my high school. As for the rest of them, I’m still trying to find my muse. All of my female characters’ names are April.

4. I know I’ve been “screwed” over three times by boys in the military (you know what I mean), but I love how a man looks in a uniform. Even if it’s not military. Police officers, firefighters, scout leaders. Doctors in scrubs work too.

5. When I was a kid, I saw this news story about a woman whose husband died while sleeping. She found him in their room, lying on his back, his body straight, stiff dead. Like, arms next to his side, feet perfectly positioned together. Ever since then, I’ve never slept straight for fear of death.

6. I lost the Little Miss Nutrition Pageant in 1992 because 1. I was too fat, 2. my dad didn’t know how to dress me or put make up on me, 3. my talent sucked (militant poetry’s not such a hot winner amongst pageant judges), 4. I was too fat. I was a pageant queen otherwise.

7. I wish I knew how to sing. Like, really. Ever since I was a kid — I’ve wanted to be Lea Salonga (Filipinos, check it). She was a child star gone ridiculously famous by way of Broadway. I’ve always wanted to be on Broadway. If I could — I’d be an actress on Broadway.

K that’s it! I’m tagging: Ted7ek, Bryan O, Paulette, Will & whoever else wants to do this

The Re-evaluation of my Re-evaluating

I find it hilarious, how, after writing a post like the one I wrote yesterday (see below), I have to go back and write the obligatory I’m-a-fool entry. Because I am. I love to stress over nothing; over things I should know not to stress out about. So what if it’s over? I was played, re-played, and played again like some kind of pop album. Now it’s time to move onward and upward. I’ll keep the memories close, but I won’t let it ruin my future. I’ll learn from this mistake. That’s not to say I’ll never make this mistake again… HA! That’s the fun of my life. I am insane. Einstein, the clever man that he was, had me in mind when he defined sanity. He said it was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That’s the epitome of me and my life. And what a wild ride it’s been so far. I wish I could wish for more time, more memories, more whatever, but like I said — I was played, re-played, and played some more. My heart is like the hands of a manly man’s man. You know they’re a hard worker because when you feel their hands — they’re rough and calloused and have texture and life. That’s my heart. It gets bruised and cut and smashed and hurt… But it emerges stronger than before, like a phoenix ready and willing to fight its next battle. I’m going to do myself a favor from all the hurting and thinking and sniffling and tearing and call it a day. Onward and upward, I say.

Re-evaluating

A good friend recently sent me a card with paragraphs of advice/love/and general insight into my current situation. Thanks, friend. I want to write you back, but the only thing I can think of to put on paper is, “I’m sad.”

Because I am. It’s not me being “emo”, it’s not a cry out for help. We all have emotions like excited and angry and happy and crazy. You know this — check out your status updates on myspace. The past few days — I’ve been sad. Because I think I let a good opportunity pass me by. 

Everyone knows me as THAT girl. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m proud to be THAT girl. The one whose heart remains firmly on her sleeve. The one who has no regrets when it comes to the possibility of romance and happy endings. As pessimistic as I normally am, I can also be a great optimist when it comes to all things regarding love. When it comes to giving advice, no one listens to mine. Because my advice is to always go for it. Seize the moment because you never want to stop your life thinking about the What Ifs of the situation. You go for it now… then think, reminisce, and laugh (or cry) later.

So with all that said — I shouldn’t be too upset that this one passed me by, right? With my record of getting into wacky adventures, there’s bound to be many more, right?

Right.

Except I didn’t even get the full experience with this one. There were still so many more things I think we both missed out on. And for a hot second — the only adventures I wanted to have… were with him. If it had kept going, I think I would have been satisfied with calling it a day on my search for wackiness. I would have been fine with us.

So, friend, thanks for your letter. And if I may quote your brilliant and inspiring words…

“…you seriously get the trophy for having the biggest balls out of all of us. Maybe throughout all your crazy antics, “Mr. Right” will come through & he’ll STAY and sweep you off your feet the right way. He won’t become a priest, or get semi-engaged… He won’t go back to California to take care of his past life. He will stay here with you & wait until your two years is up and he will move with you to NY or Cali or anywhere but here.” 

Cross your fingers. It sounds like I’m in a rush to find him. I’m not, I promise. But the possibility being dangled in front of me and taken away just as quick is a whole lot annoying. I guess for now, I lament the loss of the potential of this one.

No San Francisco in December. Maybe I’ll take another trip to NY — the city where I belong. Maybe I’ll stay here and just relax. Maybe I’ll disappear for a week and get my priorities straight. I just bought a new Digital SLR… Maybe I’ll go somewhere scenic and use it. 

Another quote from a new favorite, Lenka…

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried and I don't know why.
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it.
I can't figure it out -- it's bringing me down I know I've got to let it go and just 
enjoy the show.

Seriously?

October 28, 2008: After a short but serious period of emotional upheaval, your life is finally going to start calming down. There could be one lingering drama that just won’t die, but it will at least be small enough that you can ignore it for a while. This return to your routine is something quite welcome, and will make you appreciate the quiet joys of your life — like having time to be bored! You’ll enjoy having quiet moments by yourself, so try to get in as many as possible.