“…Magic.”

 

“That’s your problem. You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.” – Sleepless in Seattle

And there stems the foundation upon which I’m living my love life on. Who’d have thought a simple line from a movie would hit it so dead on like that. Who says you can’t learn anything from romantic comedies?

My friends always wonder why I go for the unattainable. I go for the guys who will never be a steady constant in my life. I go for the ridiculously unavailable. No, I don’t go for boys who are already taken… I just go for the single ones at the wrong place and the wrong time. 

It’s not like the steady ones aren’t there. Don’t take this as vanity or self-importance or anything, but there are guys who are here — right here right now — who will be steady, who are interested in me. They have perfectly good jobs, they can support me, they’re not leaving for a different area code anytime soon, but I can’t seem to find myself wanting any of them. Why the hell not?! The amount of stress that would be taken off my back would be greatly satisfying. I mean with them, the only thing I’d worry about would be the normalcy of the ups and downs of regular relationships — who’s paying for dinner, how do I introduce him to mom and pop, does he L-word me? With the relationships I’ve managed to get myself involved with over the past few years, not only do I have to worry about those things, I also had to add in things like: am I really going to drive 40 minutes (three hours, a day, fly?!) just to see him (on four dollar gas!); am I really going to spend my only day off trying to hang out with him; why the hell do I like him?? I mean, some of these questions got pretty ridiculous. 

Back to the ever-lasting query of my good friends: Why do I go for them? Well, to put it simply — who the hell knows? Sike. I do, I guess. Let’s go back to that quote, shall we? I live my life as if I am in a movie. Everything ridiculous that happens in my life, I accept. Yes, things still stress me out, Yes, things hardly make sense, Yes, I’ve gone through a lot — but I’ve learned to deal with them because in the end (much like the end of two hours in the theater), things will be okay. They’re always okay at the end of movies. Even if it’s not the ending you wanted or expected, there’s always an ending, and things are almost always resolved. So I figure, sure, I’ll live that way. I may not know why this particular event is haunting me at the moment, but after all the i’s have been dotted and the t’s have been crossed, I’ll know.

I live my life like I am in a movie. So, of course, all these romantic mishaps have to happen. And I accept them fully. Oh look, she’s dating a priest. Hilarious! Now she’s moved on to the ex-husband of a porn star! The laughs! I mean, come on. If anything, the ridiculous stories of my life have to at least provide humor for someone out there. Instead of 27 Dresses, it’s like 27 Boyfriends – with one ridiculous situation after another getting better and better (or uglier and uglier). And maybe along the way, he’ll find me. Everyone always says stop looking for “him.” I’ve stopped looking for the unattainable “him” the day I met the priest. Because you honestly can’t go through the experiences I’ve been though when you force yourself to look. You have to let these things find you. And that’s the fun of it all. That’s where the movie comes in.

“Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.” – The Holiday

There’s another one. It’s my favorite quote from the movie. We’re all supposed to be the leading ladies in our own lives, right? But right now, I’m acting like that best friend. The best friend who gets into ridiculous situations so she can teach her best friend (the leading lady) a lesson in love. One day I’ll get it though. One day I’ll get to be the lead. And I’ll finally get involved in something that will have a happy beginning. It’ll be a great story with twists and turns and pitfalls and roller-coaster-like-loops. And it will have a classic ending — a la Garden State or Say Anything or 40-Year Old Virgin (minus the 40-year old and virgin part). And then we’ll go from there and see where the rest of the story goes. Because my favorite part about all this is — unlike movies —  real life goes on.

I Want To Hold Your Hand

Moving on&on&on&on (the Journey edition)

Well, in case you haven’t heard yet — I got into a car accident. The short of it is the roads were slippery and I managed to stop my car before I hit the car in front of me… but the car behind me didn’t and rammed into the back of my Corolla. And now, I have to deal with even more back problems, a bruised knee, insurance claims, getting-my-car-back-from-nova and paranoia when I get behind the wheel. Woot!

Onto bigger and better things… No wait, nothing’s bigger and not a lot is better. 

I’ve been hollering “two years” for a while now, and people always ask what that means. I say it’s the time frame I’m giving myself to make moves; make decisions. My contract will be up, along with my phone plan, and my car (or what’s left of it) will be relinquished to my sister. It’ll be the time to make some life decisions, a scary time, but a good time.

Right now, I have an awesome job. As stressful and crazy and anger-inducing and painful as it can be, it is a great opportunity. I’m a part of history everyday. I’m the gatekeeper — I decide what people see, what they’re exposed to, what makes headlines that day. It’s a great job… but is it going to be my career? I’m signed on for two years, but after that — what? If it were ten years down the line and I already had a family and the potential of kids and I was settled, I think I would love this job. I’d be in an area that I love with the security of a good job and great coworkers. But I’m 23 and I’m still living the life of an idealist.

I want to do what I crave to do. Not only have I been hollering “two years” for a while now, I’ve also been hollering “film.” I still want to try. I still want to grab what’s left of my balls and venture out to NY or LA and make some damn moves. Moves and movies. I could fail (the potential for that is awesomely large), but I could also succeed. And the thing is, I want to try. I’ll be 25 when my contract is up and it’s a scary thought, going into a new job/career with no established past… but I have to. Better at 25 than at 35 or 45, right? If I’m going to make mistakes, I best make them now while the only person I have to worry about is myself. 

There’s also my need to get out of this place. I love Virginia Beach. With all the exposed drama and incest and what-have-you, it really is an awesome place. I’d probably end up settling back here after I’ve made my dent in the world, but like I said, I’m 23 and I’ve never been west of the Mississippi. I want to see the other coast. I want to be part of the glitz and glamor of LA and prove to myself that this is me — I won’t change, despite my surroundings. I want to prove to myself that I can survive on my own, in LA or NY or where have you. I know I can do it. I just need to give myself a chance.

And so — that chance comes two years from now. I’m doing it, mind you. Forreal.

If only

I hate semantics. 

Strikethrough

This is a running list of what I need to write about. It’ll be updated frequently since I come up with topics & thoughts much faster than I come up with coherent sentences & paragraphs.

1. My Blueberry Nights – the music, the emotion, the colors, the romance. 

2. My cynicism and how beautiful & horrible it is at the same time.

3. Floriduh.

4. How surprised I am at how much I like you… and how much I hate goodbyes.

5.  Things I can’t change.

6. How easily I get intimidated — not just by those way more successful than I am, but by my own peers living the life I want to live.

7. My emotional instability (like how I cry during mass sometimes).

8. My screenplay (or lack thereof).

9. Can you believe it’s already June? Half the year is over. What have I accomplished (a: nothing)? What do I want to do in the next six months. Travel plans & goals.

10. Rainy days & the sound of the fan.

11. The constant good I see in people and how it often screws me over… And yet – I could care less.

Back Down to Zero

I’m fine. I’m cool. No worries here. After a day of hard thinking (like, mind numbingly hard) and ridiculing myself (a lot) and getting some sense smacked into me by me, I’m fine. Life goes on. People move on. I will too.

0 to 60

Irony.

I’m horrible at saying good-bye. It doesn’t help that I’m already an awkward human being as it is. But good-byes are definitely not my thing. If I were to have my way with these things, people would just fade in and out like good and bad surprises. Did that make sense? I don’t think so. But I can’t say good-bye.

People are moving on. And I’m not. And I know a part of why I feel like this is because I see the excitement within everyone else and I think, I want that. Because I do. And yes, a lot of this is envy, but a whole lot more is plain ol’ missing people. And we say we’ll keep in touch, but like the postcard says, I don’t think we will. Because everyone moves on and you decide who you want in your life and sometimes, people get discarded. And I’m scared people will change and one day we’ll say we’ll get together over coffee and talk like old times but it won’t be like old times because you won’t be you anymore. And one day, maybe I won’t be me and we’ll both mean different things to each other. And I’m scared of that. 

Fear is horrible. It’s capable of hurting you more than anything else in this world. There’s this feeling inside me. It’s the kind of feeling people get when they know something’s about to happen. And they don’t know if it’s good or bad but the anticipation over what it is wraps around their hearts and squeezes hard. And you want to make it stop but there’s something more than you controlling it. And you think crying will relieve it, just like the way crying relieves a lot of stresses, but surprisingly, you can’t shed a tear. Because there’s nothing to cry about.

This was one of the strangest things I’ve written in a long time. I wrote it nonstop; just thoughts coming, flying at me with my fingers trying to deflect the unwanted words. But they all came out. And I wrote them all down. And now you know. I don’t want to say good-bye. I wanted it to last. But it never does. I wanted to see what could have been. I wanted to see the potential of things. But I can’t. And all I can do now is dream about it.

To everyone leaving, I wish you the best of luck. You know I’ll miss all of you. No matter how busy I’ve been and no matter how many times I’ve missed seeing you, there was always a part of me that wanted to be there. And I’m sorry if I never was, or if I will never get the chance to be there for you. But know that I will always have an ear open, a tear duct ready, a laugh in place in case you ever need it. And I’m only an email, a text, a phone call, and yes, a letter away. So please, keep in touch.