Re-evaluating

A good friend recently sent me a card with paragraphs of advice/love/and general insight into my current situation. Thanks, friend. I want to write you back, but the only thing I can think of to put on paper is, “I’m sad.”

Because I am. It’s not me being “emo”, it’s not a cry out for help. We all have emotions like excited and angry and happy and crazy. You know this — check out your status updates on myspace. The past few days — I’ve been sad. Because I think I let a good opportunity pass me by. 

Everyone knows me as THAT girl. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m proud to be THAT girl. The one whose heart remains firmly on her sleeve. The one who has no regrets when it comes to the possibility of romance and happy endings. As pessimistic as I normally am, I can also be a great optimist when it comes to all things regarding love. When it comes to giving advice, no one listens to mine. Because my advice is to always go for it. Seize the moment because you never want to stop your life thinking about the What Ifs of the situation. You go for it now… then think, reminisce, and laugh (or cry) later.

So with all that said — I shouldn’t be too upset that this one passed me by, right? With my record of getting into wacky adventures, there’s bound to be many more, right?

Right.

Except I didn’t even get the full experience with this one. There were still so many more things I think we both missed out on. And for a hot second — the only adventures I wanted to have… were with him. If it had kept going, I think I would have been satisfied with calling it a day on my search for wackiness. I would have been fine with us.

So, friend, thanks for your letter. And if I may quote your brilliant and inspiring words…

“…you seriously get the trophy for having the biggest balls out of all of us. Maybe throughout all your crazy antics, “Mr. Right” will come through & he’ll STAY and sweep you off your feet the right way. He won’t become a priest, or get semi-engaged… He won’t go back to California to take care of his past life. He will stay here with you & wait until your two years is up and he will move with you to NY or Cali or anywhere but here.” 

Cross your fingers. It sounds like I’m in a rush to find him. I’m not, I promise. But the possibility being dangled in front of me and taken away just as quick is a whole lot annoying. I guess for now, I lament the loss of the potential of this one.

No San Francisco in December. Maybe I’ll take another trip to NY — the city where I belong. Maybe I’ll stay here and just relax. Maybe I’ll disappear for a week and get my priorities straight. I just bought a new Digital SLR… Maybe I’ll go somewhere scenic and use it. 

Another quote from a new favorite, Lenka…

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried and I don't know why.
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it.
I can't figure it out -- it's bringing me down I know I've got to let it go and just 
enjoy the show.