Revert

“Jesus Christ Doesn’t Sound Like A Jewish Name [April 27, 1999]

I went to Venice, which drove me mad with its beauty and made me want to be in love, which is always very depressing. The human heart is terribly flawed. We yearn for love and then when we do love we invariably pick someone who won’t love us back. I think what we must yearn for then is the depression that precedes love. It’s much more popular. So many more people tell me they’re depressed than tell me they’re in love.”
Jonathan Ames

Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I want to go back to school and learn things. Things that aren’t prerequisites to a degree; things that aren’t needed for a grade; I just want to go back and learn. Some things on my list are foreign languages (Japanese and French), photography, the violin, art history. What am I ever going to use these things for? I have no idea. But it’s something to do to keep me busy with myself. I have goals – I doubt they’re ever going to come into realization, but I’ll work towards them anyway. Maybe my future knowledge of the violin or Japanese will help along the way. A friend of mine was just offered an advertisement deal with a crazy budget and I envy him. His dreams are coming true… When will mine?

Sunday, December 21, 2006
I deserve better things. I know that. I don’t want half-ass intentions, I don’t want half-ass love. I’m better than that – everyone is. I don’t need anymore indecision in my life, there’s already enough of that. It’s a romantic ideal, thinking there might be someone out there who is as nerdy as I hope he is. Who is a devout reader of writers like Chbosky and Moore. Who can claim (embarrased, of course) that he knows the lyrics to Singin’ in the Rain. I like clumsy, I like awkward. I like long conversations punctuated by silly silence and nervous giggles. I like holding hands, but not too much and definitely not forced. I like two or three phone calls a week, and random texts everyday about the weather and driving and work and embarrassing moments. An engineer is nice, a medical degree is better An apartment with colored walls, dark drapes, and an expansive movie collection that ranges from Sabrina to Spiderman, Requiem to Tennenbaums, 2046 to Amelie, and everything in between. A love of sushi is definitely a must, light drinking during a rough Monday or Tuesday, and an ability to know dance moves like the lawnmower and the sprinkler. The charlie brown is an added bonus. I need someone who likes revealing secrets slowly, letting me find out bits and pieces of his mind a little at a time. I’d like someone who has a hard time telling me I’m beautiful because compliments are as awkward for him as they are for me. He’ll buy me a rose, a cactus, and maybe even a dog. His love of taking pictures rivals mine, and would not mind the silly poses that are always in a set of group pictures. He would love my family. He would read comics with my brother, watch movies with my sister, and be polite and funny to my parents. He would want to meet my cousins and play a game of Cranium or join in a birthday party surprise. And he would take care of me. Romantic ideals are nothing when it is certain that both people care for each other as much as they should. Nothing is half-assed. Everything else can be thrown away for proof of true love. And that’s all I ask for. But I figure even that’s too ideal.

Sunday, November 12, 2006
There are so many lines that have been drawn in my life right now, I feel like if I take a step anywhere, I will be crossing something I shouldn’t even have gone near in the first place. I’ve always argued for living in the moment and seizing whatever opportunity is in front of your face, but I’m going to admit there are certain times when grabbing hold of that opportunity might impact something in your life later on, and you might not necessarily like where it took you. And when there are multiple things in front of you, all leading to different paths in your life, how do you know which one to grab onto? I only have two hands, and I need both in order to grab onto something and not let go. So what do I pick? The safe choice? The fun choice? The best-for-the-future choice? The right-now choice? I want to enjoy what’s in front of me, but I also want to know that I’m not picking things randomly or for the hell of it.

January 25, 2009
Am I the same person who wrote these things years ago? I must be. I’m still idealistic and romantic and I still hope for the unattainable. A little bit more mature in some areas, still immature in others. I’ve let go of many things, forgave and forgotten others. But all the problems I dealt with back in 2006 are exactly the same problems I’m going through now. Maybe with different people, maybe with different situations, but the underlying summation of it all is that I remain stagnant here. No growth. No undiscovered potential unearthed. What am I doing here? Who am I? I’ll be 24 in a month. 25 in a year. It’s definitely a quarter-life crisis. We’ll see how things go.