October 27, 2008: Hey, loosen up there! You can’t become too obsessed with every little detail in life. Everything is what it is — some things can be changed, but some things cannot be. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favor by understanding the difference between the two, especially in your personal life. Problems could arise in a partnership if you are unwilling to just let things go. You cannot change a person, you can only communicate how their behavior affects you.
In college, my professor suggested I watch this movie. I was trying to write a screenplay at the time, and I needed inspiration. A muse. Some kind of idea on how and why I wrote what I wrote and what I need to fix and how I need to fix that. Watch this movie. Watch this part.
Need I say more?
I never believe these — I mean they can always apply to the most generic situations. I always read them anyway and try to apply it to something in my life… The past few weeks though — they’ve been ridiculous.
“There is an art to playing hard to get. Push it too far, and you will end up missing out on an amazing relationship. So if you are working on luring a new romantic interest, you need to keep in mind that not everyone has the energy, attitude or drive to knock down every brick of the wall you’ve put up. They’ll only try for so long, so before they give up and go away, reach out to them today. You’ve been bewildering to them for too long. Make the connection.”
I have got to be one of the biggest idiots this side of life has seen. But you know, it’s fun and entertaining, although a little pointless and stress-filled. But what in life isn’t, right?
Edit 10.11.08
Fkcfckfckfck. I get myself into the worst situations sometimes. I tell myself I’ll be okay and I’m stronger this time around and it-is-what-it-is but behind all that, I’m one weak motherfcker. Everyone always ends up leaving and it makes me sad. No wonder I have a fear of commitment. I’m fucking scared of giving someone whatever I can give because deep down inside, I’ve talked myself into believing they’re going to eventually leave me. My brain and insides are all sorts of mashed up because of everything that’s happened and I don’t like it. I want to cry and shout and scream and rant and rave because life shouldn’t be like this. But I can’t. There’s no other emotion in me other than frustration and disappointment. The lethargic kind. I can feel it in my heart, I just can’t do anything about it. FUCK. I have five days left. Another day, another failed attempt at a relationship.
For now — Days 1 & 2: 10 hours of sleep in three days + in&out + LA traffic + touristy sites + a beautiful view from the Griffith (one of my new favorite places in the country) + reppin’ VA on the dance floor + being “of age” at a Kaba party + hot dog on a stick + muscle beach + cute new friends + good old friends + KIIS FM music + getting dark in 90 degree weather + awkward turtles + spooning + Santa Monica Pierness + a crying liver + little Tokyo + 35-cent margaritas + Roscoe’s chicken&waffles + LA driving madness + Gerald! + UC Irvine + Contemporary Art + dimples + dunks + 3am bedtimes.
For once — I feel motivated; working for something I really want to do; going somewhere I really want to go to. It’s a good feeling to get away from everything holding me back and down, even if it’s just for a few days. I’m excited and scared and throwing caution to the wind, but that’s life, right?
And I’d just like to add that I do have the best-worst luck. I guess my physical being isn’t ready to let me settle even if I’m emotionally capable (for once) of it. Oh well. Meeting people and getting to know them is still awesome, even if it’s for a limited time. But one does always tend to wonder about the “what ifs” of the future.
Finally — Spain in December. Holy crap. I hope I can get my DSLR by then.
Sometimes I wish I were the ultimate romantic. I’m not. As much as I pretend to be, my brain will always draw the line between fantasy and reality. It’s a fine line, I’ll admit to that, but it’s a line. And usually I make the conscious decision to cross it. And I think that proves I’m not the die-hard-core romantic I try to be. Because real romantics don’t know they’ve crossed the line ’til they’re hurt.
Romance isn’t enough for me. In addition to all the fantastical dreams — I need logic to back everything up. I need sensible rationality to help me accept things. Romantics accept things unconditionally. They will take what they can knowing love is enough to keep them going. That’s not the case with me. Eighty percent of me loves romance and idealism and can watch movies like Il Mare without asking too many questions. But then there’s still twenty percent left wondering Why and How and all the other questions left unanswered in the void. And the thing is — there is no answer. There never is when it comes to unconditional love. It just is. But I can’t wrap my brain, or my heart, around that yet.
Three years ago:
Tonight:
I believe in love and fairy tales and fate and destiny, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. I want to find that elusive happy ending. I need to know that serendipity and kismet aren’t just words that trickle smoothly out of the side of my mouth. I need a smile and a laugh and so-much-happiness that it hurts my heart. I want to be swept off my feet. I need romance and candlelit nights. I need interlocked fingers and a comforting touch. I want to be held. I need reassurance that love is out there, waiting — wanting to be found. And some nights, when I’m lucky and unsuspecting, I get a small glimpse that magic is real.
Just waiting for the appropriate time, place, & person.
The picture...
...And the accompanying words.
